Friday, September 24, 2010

Are You A Bad Parent? Halloween Edition.

Halloween was created for two reasons:

1. To eat your child's candy. By not paying for it, you can avoid guilt fatties.
2. To identify which parents are unworthy of reproductive sex organs.

So PARENTS This Halloween try not to fail your child for life by putting them in a costume that allows the world to know you are a horrible horrible parent by avoiding the following: 

1. Using Your Child as an Accessory Costume.

See how this child is looking to it's mother for help. Stop stealing your child's identity and candy this Halloween.

2. Making your Daughter into anything provactive. Because hey guess what pedophiles also like... oh yeah its when you make your child look like a 4 year old slut mobile. Get a life. Just because your daughter is skinny doesn't mean you should take advantage of it while you can. Not everyone is destined for cankles Tiffany.

This isn't even provocative as much as badly accessorized. Get some taste. NEXT.

3. Putting your small child into a horrifically scary costume.
Oh and yeah I could see that maybe Timmy out there is all like Mommy please let me be a demon monster. But no your child did not ask to be the Scream character. Either you wanted him to be this because this happened to be the movie he was conceived to while your parents weren't home, OR this costume was half off because it was so dated, but either way YA TACKY ok. Get a relevant scary costume at least.

Oh ok I get it. At least this costume allows you to squirt blood from your eyes. Nice. So does Ebola. Be sympathetic and GET A LIFE!

These are some temptations and expectations that a parent might encounter:

If you are tempted to put your child in the Pinhead costume please remember the following:
Pinhead is the leader of the cenobites, formerly human creatures from an extradimensional realm who travel to Earth through the Lament Configuration, and harvest human souls. Also, remember that this movie came out in 1987. Get a DVD player and watch something relevant. NEXT.

If you are tempted to put your child in the Ghostly Gent costume then you need to realize that you had a son and quit trying to get him to watch The L Word with you. If your child requests to wear the Ghostly Gent costume ....... NEXT.

If you are tempted to put your child in some sort of camouflage outfit, just know you are setting your child up for a life of hoarding and MREs. Oh Timmy's making a bunker again. HAHAHAHa. Your kid is a lunatic. NEXT.

If you are tempted to let your TWEEN wear this outfit then you are definitely in for MAJOR TROUBLE. And if you want me to be specific that Major Sort of Trouble will be a grandchild by Spring. Don't do it. NEXT.

 Oh and if Black Booty Shorts are recommended to COMPLETE THE LOOK - automatic NO. Your child is going as Major Nun this year. NEXT.

If you are tempted to allow your child to be the Zombie Doctor Costume, just know that impersonating a doctor is a serious offense and impersonating a Zombie Doctor is seriously lame. So no I'm sorry let's respect the zombies that worked their way through 6 years of medical training while feasting on the flesh of the undead and just say NEXT to this one.

If you are tempted to make your child look like a gothic fairy, go for it. Just know that the person she will be cutting when she sees the photographs later in life might be you and not herself. Cutting hurts don't do it! NEXT.
Oh great more blood from the eyes. Just what we need in a recession.

Plus the kid has distressed jeans on. I don't know what is more upsetting.
Oh and one quick thing, two words that don't belong together are Fishnets and Girl. It is like how David Hasselhoff and Talent don't belong together. A universally accepted thing.

This kid wins because not only are Peeps NOT RELEVANT in the Fall but she pulls it off. Also, I'm pretty sure she tapped danced the entire day of the shoot and has a stage mom. TADA! WINNER! 
This kid wins because he is giving me the thumbs up and I saw a lot of pretty scary stuff on this Halloween costume website and I needed this.  He also wins because I have not freaking clue what this demon angel Valentine's day costumes is going for. Complexity WINNER
This kid wins because beards are in and so is magic gay wizarding. THOU SHALL BUY THIS COSTUME! WINNER 
This one wins because it looks like one of these girls is a midget. I like how you can still be slutty friends even when one of you is a gigantic freak.  WINNERS

This little guy wins because his mommy can use this costume twice and thrifyness is respectable. Also, Pavlov conditioning has created a Salvation Army connotation to the ringing bell. Maybe people will give you change out of habit. SUPERThriftyWINNER

Friday, September 10, 2010

I got into Cucalorus

Yeah I did. And I got into Cucalorus too.
I made this short experimental documentary called Latrinalia.
It's about bathroom graffiti, my childhood, cave art, Pompeii, Lawrence Ferlinghetti, my dad, my mom, all of my friends, super 8mm, 16mm, Austin, Raleigh, Wilmington, My senior year of college, all the lovers I've had, all the lovers I've wanted, animation, and getting by with the help of my friends.
I've always found that trying to convert people in a bathroom stall would result in an unsavory group of followers.

This reminds me of Eminem, sooo angry.


Jersey Slore

Apparently the kids are using the word Slore, meaning slut and whore SMOOSHED together. 

This leads me to ask what other words kids will be coming up with in the near future. I just graduated and my sister goes to boarding school which means that I am out of the loop. Soon I'm going to be called a name that I don't even understand. Thank god I got the leg up on Slore. I'm sure that one will get thrown at me one day - of course it will be unfounded. 

I'm going to attempt to guess some future curse words in order to have the leg up on these preteens and generation AA'ers. Yeah, I see you kids in your double strollers abound in Chicago parks and I know one day you will ridicule me and my inability to distinguish two popular social media networks from one another OR for asking if you like Indie rock OR for texting too slow OR for using a antiquated phrase like "whatever." 

Possible future cusswords:

I ran out of steam with  

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

missed connection

i was peepin at craiglist missed connections to see if anyone i eyeballed while struttin at the mall or bojangles or while getting my tires rotated posted about me when i found this most beautiful little gem:

I saw you picking up your perks at cvs. It wasnt the first time I saw work at Wings. I come in Wings all the time just to see you. You are such a hard worker, always on the phone with customers. One time I asked you where the plus size bathing suits were and you told me, " the fatter sizes are over here." The next time I came in with friends and you said, "If you have any questions, DONT ask." You had the biggest smile on your face. I guess you could say I dont take hints but Im an optimist and I feel in my gut that you have as much of an attraction to me as I do you and your moon boot. Just incase you need a refresher, I aways wear black. My hair is black, my clothes are black, and I always wear a black trench coat even in the summertime. I like to take strolls down dark alleys, fight drunk people, sneak into movies, and steal traffic signs. I sound tough but Im really a teddy bear with a big, black heart. Im a big time gambler and Im gambling on you. If your interested send me an email or Ill continue to shop at Wings.


Latrinalia Teaser

For Shannon Silva from joselyn mcdonald on Vimeo.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Bud Light Commercial Pitch by Dan Moore


The First Draft of My New Bud Light Commercial.


- - - -
A man is walking around in the Sistine Chapel. He is a cool white guy, about thirty, who wears polo shirts and has cool hair and kind of a beard. His girl is hot but a total bitch. He's in the Sistine Chapel, looking up at the paintings and shit, and his girl is like, "Hey, look at the paintings! They're mankind's greatest achievements!"
And he says, "You know... you're right!" But he's really looking at his can of crisp Bud Light. But the girl doesn't know that. And he keeps walking through the chapel, and she thinks she's gotten through to him but she hasn't at all.
This girl, she's constantly trying to get him to enjoy something other than Bud Light. She probably makes him go to pottery classes, which will make for another hilarious Bud Light commercial where he makes a beer cozy on the pottery wheel to keep his Bud Light cool and delicious, even though she wants him to make some kind of love vase.
So, anyway, the next scene they're at a restaurant, and she's like, "Come on, try this European beer with me—we're not in Italy every day!"
So our guy says, "Yeah, sure, honey," but he calls one of his buddies, the black one, and this guy, dressed as some snooty waiter, secretly swaps the beers in the back room. So while his girl is struggling through this dark, syrupy mess and pretending to like it as some kind of "couples" thing, he's knocking back another party-starting Bud Light, served at the peak of its freshness in a five-star Italian restaurant full of grade-A snobs.
Later they're in their hotel room, and the girl is in the shower, but she's taking forever. Like, ten, twenty minutes pass, and the room's getting really steamy, even though she has the door closed, and our guy's cool Bud Light is best drunk at the peak of freshness, not steamed because this girl is freaking out about not bringing antiperspirant along to Italy, where it gets pretty hot.
So the guy just says, "Hey, you want my beer to be warm? Well, you know, this would make it even warmer." And he sets the hotel room on fire. But European hotels aren't up to code like ours are, and the fire spreads from the carpet to the curtains and up the walls, traveling along the hotel's dated wiring. And the girl can't hear, because she just will not get out of the shower, so he runs out of the building and he's just distraught, because she might burn alive in there, and they've already started saving money together and going on trips to Italy. Out on the sidewalk he finally watches her come down the back fire escape in her girly slippers, looking pissed at him, like she always has lately.
Suddenly he realizes his behavior is sociopathic, that he's fixated on alcohol just like his father—that Bud Light is less a drink to him now than a totem. But there's this funny Italian guy on the street, one of the ones with the dancing monkeys, who sells drinks, and he orders a Bud Light, and the feeling here should be, like, finally, there's some drinkability in this un-refreshing world. Finally.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

I haven't been blogging lately

because I'm unpredictable and bad to the bone.

erin coffin and I are headed to Austin at 4 in the morning tomorrow. i don't care.everything is wonderful. We ate cookies and drank martinis with her family. She has an shiba inu. oh and i had mcDonalds and a toaster struedel. The weather is perfect and i'm not in Wilmington.

all is well.

i'm taking scotch tape and coloring it with markers to make multicolored flashes. if my little experiment works, then my camera should funtion like the $70 ivan coloursplash camera by Lomography it's sick !!!@!!! but who has $70 in this day in age. not me. but seriously, not me, but whatever you bourgeoisie with your bourgeoisie cameras.

i really want to make a cake in the shape of an animal or dinosaur for somebody soon. who has a birthday coming up soon other than L. Ron Hubbard in two days? Party people say yeah. if you're from the ninth galaxy Scapidico and worship moneys SAY YEAAH. This is the cake I make annually for L. Ronald.

I heard all movies made in 2010 will suck because Avatar siphoned all the moneys for ever film. I don't really care at all because I don't get time to go to the movies anymore. Except Recession Tuesdays at CARMIKE DOLLAR POPCORN AND DRINKS. But I don't have time to see the movies like I said so I just go and eat the popcorn and cry beneath the Wolfman poster.

life is crazy but im getting a cabin in boone soon to do some serious writing and hot tubbing and thesaurusing all at the same time.

i'm going to eat a lot of ice cream in Austin and maybe some socializing, but mostly eating icecream.

My mom grows wheat so I'm going to quickly say in casual conversation that my mom love "wheat" and grows "wheat" people will think I said weed and that I must have had an "alternative childhood" and that will make me seem more awesome.

i want to do roller derby, but I don't want to mess up my face because listen it's the money maker and i'm no good at day trading like I thought I would be.

I bought something...i got distracted by the realization that Zoey Deschanel sings in every loving movie that she has been in. We get it Zoey. You are have great bangs and good pipes. Time to challenge yourself play a serial killer or a gay sea captain.

I wish I could take a road trip across america in the 1960's. I bet you could really get your hands on some good pie back then and neon was in abundance.